COVID Disorders / Pandemic Parody

COVID-19 has given rise to a new slate of disorders.

Package Envy: Jealously of your neighbor’s larger and more frequently delivered packages.

OCD – Obsessive Conjecture Disorder: Characterized by continuous speculation about when the pandemic will end.

Zoombombaphobia: The fear of your child bursting in on your Zoom meeting.

The Dillinger Effect: Characterized by wearing a black face mask and rapidly whipping fingers from the waist while saying, “bang, bang.”

Hampton Dissociative Disorder: The realization that the $250,000 you paid to rent a house is in conflict with the dropping value of your stock portfolio.

Screen Envy: Overwhelming desire to have another person’s tropical Zoom background.

SAD – Social Anxiety Distancing: Fear of not being able to maintain 6 feet distance due to being bad at math.

Google Hangup: Constant anxiety about how you look on video.

TADA! – Time Associative Disorder Anxiety: Expressing a loss for vast amounts of time through very short dance videos on TikTok.

Split Residence Disorder: Being constantly miffed by not having all the small items you didn’t bring from your primary residence, such as toenail clippers and Scotch tape.

Charmin Anxiety Disorder: Fear of not having enough toilet paper, characterized by using only one square at a time.

Solitary Anxiety Drinking Disorder (SADD): Inebriating constantly throughout the day due to loss of job. Often in tandem with:

PPP: Feeling an excessive need to urinate due to copious alcoholic intake brought upon by stay-at-home orders.

What disorders have you experienced? Let us know we’ll add them to the list it here (with attribution).

Originally published in Medium.